6 minor characters that could rule the world of Shrek - part 3

Continued from Part 2. Contains spoilers.

 

4. The beastmaster (Snow White)


Who is (s)he?

Don’t play that game, because you should know by now. Ok, if you really want to know, it’s the princess with the strongest shown ability to control wild animals using nothing but the sound of her voice. With 7 dwarfs that are all experienced miners, armorers and jewelry makers.
http://shrek.wikia.com/wiki/Snow_White

How will (s)he take over?

An army of wild animals, armored and armed to the teeth with steel. Iron shod hooves, sharpened metal teeth/beaks, armor covering every soft spot. Hunting season on human beings (and everyone else) is now- OPEN.

Have you ever seen "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole" where owls go to war and are armed with iron claws and helmets? Imagine every bird in the sky armed like that, from the tiniest of sparrows to the biggest of rooks. In the Shrek universe, Hitchcock's movie "The Birds" is a cautionary tale and a warning to always watch the skies, just in case one of the resident beastmasters looses it and goes on a rampage. Hell, just the number of pigeons in the world make them equivalent of sky piranhas! Oh, wait... She can control regular piranhas as well. Also, rats, wolves, tigers and bears, oh my. Armoured bears, in a world without guns!
Hell, with no preparations and just the animals in the surrounding forest (and a couple of other princesses), Snow White was able to storm the castle guarded by both human guards and evil trees. Evil trees! And I say that she was able to storm it for a reason, because she did almost all the work in that fight, she and her animal minions. We're talking about a person who can quite literally control one of the primal forces of nature, the whole animal kingdom!



Why (s)he never tried to take over?

She’s already a member of royalty and the best friend of Fiona, heir to the throne and short-time queen of Far Far Away. Speaking of which, how many princesses in Shrek universe actually have the power to control the wild animals with their voice? Cinderella, Snow White, even Fiona herself in smaller amounts (untrained and can make birds explode with her voice because of that).

All the chances are that one of Snow White’s ancestors actually did take over the world and ruled it like a Genghis Khan, leaving his or her genetic material all over the place, offspring that became members of royalty few centuries afterwards and still are (around 16 million people in the world are direct descendants of Genghis Khan today). Anyway, as long as people curtail spread of wild animals and keep the gag on her mouth, she is pretty harmless. Good luck with doing that, because you have to move past the 7 dwarfs, heavily armored and armed with axes and picks.

 

3. Mage Retired teacher

 

Who is (s)he?

 

He is the most powerful wizard in the world. While... The Muffin Man... creates armies from materials such as flour and sugar, this individual destroys them with nothing but his raw abilities. Please welcome the ultimate nuker, quintessential D&D mage, Merlin!

 

How will (s)he take over?

 

His powers include soul exchanging between two talking animals, teleportation, lightning bolts and who knows what else. In one on one fight, he can fry you with lightning just by stretching his arms to warm them up.  And, if you actually raise an army to fight him, you better be suspicious of everyone in it after you lose them from your sight for just a second. Why? Because anybody can be replaced by an enemy spy with a single spell, a spy that looks just like them and, with some preparation time, acts just like them. There’s being paranoid and there’s being properly paranoid, because you know any of your bodyguards can actually be soulswitched assassin.



Then there’s teleportation spell. Oh gods be good, teleportation spell.  With some fire and some magical powder, he can teleport anyone anywhere. A group of people, even, far far away. Maybe even directly into your bedroom at night, armed to the teeth. In the middle of your headquarters during the war, fast assassination squad who can kill everyone then teleport back out. Or just send some very sweet guys his friend... The Muffin Man... provided just for that purpose, to kill everyone inside your castle without worrying about real people getting hurt, without need to risk his own skin by having to go with them and teleport them back.



And then, there are tactical considerations. Even if there was a way for you to ward your headquarters from being teleported into, any army positioning you decide to make falls the moment this guy enters the fray. Merlin is able to create an opening just by using two spells, mass teleportation spell (right into the volcano, if he is feeling cranky this morning. On the seaside far, far away, where they can’t help you at all, if he is feeling generous.) and lightning strikes. Then his replaced troops can sow more confusion, widening that opening. Or, he could just snipe your officers from far away, in the middle of their army, with lightning and probably fireballs.
Hell, how much can you trust your own generals? They could have bodyguards in front of their doors and on every window, but that won’t stop Merlin from teleporting right into their room with a goon squad, kidnapping them and replacing them with a spy, while your loyal general is stuck in the spy’s body in some prison somewhere. Hell, it might only take a minute, the general wakes up, someone is touching his arm, ZAP!, he is in another body now, his arms and legs bound by rope, being teleported away with his mortal enemy, Merlin.  And that’s just what we have seen onscreen. The guy is actually modelled like Merlin from “Sword in stone” cartoon and that Merlin could change shape of himself and his companion. That ability could be used for spying or fighting and thousand other things. Imagine this, you finally get him cornered, he doesn’t have the time to teleport away, he’s dead for sure then... Merlin just turns into a bear and starts eating. Or he doesn't let that happen in the first place for he can just teleport half a mountain on top of your strategic position, because we haven’t seen any limits of his powers. Or half a mountain below your position, or your strategic position into the aforementioned active volcano.

 

Why (s)he never tried to take over?

 

He probably did. Why else would almost all-powerful wizard go and become a high-school teacher?  He was probably forced to become one as a penalty for his try. Or maybe he was in a war against another mage or overlord. Maybe he was slightly broken in the head or suffering from PTSD after the war. Spending his time trying to teach potentially dangerous magic to classes full of cruel teenagers certainly didn’t help with that. After he finally snapped, he was sent to retirement in the middle of nowhere.

 

But guess what? Even after a couple of years of retirement in the wilderness with nothing but rocks for company, he is still force to be reckoned with. Eating rocks and gravel as if they were cereal.  If he didn't help Shrek and his companions return to the castle in Far Far Away, King Charming would have ruled for a long long time. Even then, he was able to teleport to the front row seat in the show, right in front of the Charming, behind all his security (who were disarming people on the entrance) and snipe him with lightning if the fight with Shrek went badly enough. Then there’s another of his teammates who is

 

2. The piper

Comments

  • dedlea

    This is brilliant. Can't wait to find out who is number 1.

  • Arci

    Is there any more? This reads like one of those top ten lists like you'd find on Cracked or something!