The 100th Royal

By sdub Comments (6) (Tipped by 6 people!)

Lord Tonfa of Bullyclub sat at a crowded desk in a crowded office in the recently upgraded city of Shillelagh. A shaded powerball held aloft by a metal cylinder afforded him enough light to read and write even on moonless nights. Off to the right was a book that had popped yesterday in the library, The 100th Royal. Directly in front of him was freshly penned missive.

 

The warlord leaned back in his battered wooden chair and splayed his ink-stained fingers. Writing always made his hand cramp, even after hundreds of turns writing reports and correspondence. Still flexing his right hand, he picked up the first page of his letter and began to read it over.

 

************************************************************

 

My Esteemed Lord Crush,

Many times I’ve wondered why the Titans created exactly ninety-nine King and Queens of Erf.  If they created ninety-nine, why not make a hundred? A book which just popped yesterday in Shillelagh’s library, the 100th Royal, claims that the Titans of Ark did indeed create another king in the same manner as described in the Book of Fats. If the book is true, then I can see why the Titans would choose not to immortalize King Flakka of Trippinballs. Since I doubt you’ll be able to make it over to Shillelagh anytime soon, I took the liberty of summarizing the book for you. I hope you’ll excuse the eccentric manner of my writing; I am trying out a new style. Here goes…

 

King Flakka was made neither first nor last

But of royalty he was the worst

He ordered his Rhyme-o-mancer not to cast

Because she spoke in verse

 

Then he had a Thinkamancer

Who made a barbarian friend

Lord Flakka hit the rafters

And disbanded him in the end

 

His poor warlords fared no better

He gave orders in advance

Because they obeyed to the letter

His troops never had a chance

 

A unit popped in Elessdee

Who unaided soared on high

Flakka said ‘this shouldn’t be’

And barred her from the sky

 

Then a bottle rolled into town

Through a shimmering wall

Flakka was in a tizzy

The Magic Kingdom must fall

 

When his scouts did not return

He sent his entire force

And after several turns

He followed them, of course

 

Thus King Flakka met his timely end. Whether or not this story is true, I leave you to decide for yourself, my good Lord Crush. However, it does provide anecdotal evidence for my theory that the Titanic mandate is both given and earned. It seems that in this case the mandate was swiftly revoked, as Flakka died with no heir and even his memory was expunged from the Book of Fats.

 

Dawn will soon be upon my city and with it I must take up the mantle of Duty. I must take my leave of you for now, my friend. Do drop me a line and let me know how you and the Queen are getting along.

 

I remain,
Steel Tonfa
Warlord of Bullyclub
Governor of Shillelagh

 

************************************************************

 

The first rays of dawn poked through his window as Lord Tonfa hastily scratched a few corrections here and there on the paper. He carefully folded it into an envelope, addressed it, and tossed the letter into a wooden box marked, "Out" on the far left corner of his desk. With a sigh, the warlord watched as a huge stack of papers popped at the start of his turn in an identical box marked, "In". He reached out his cramped right hand and grabbed the top paper off the stack. It was time to get to work.

 

(NOTE: User was awarded 25 Shmuckers for this post -Rob)

Comments

  • LTD

    Very good. I enjoyed reading this immensely.

  • BakaGrappler

    A nicely original piece that captures the natural AND contrived nuttiness of Erfworld. Kudos.

  • El Chupacabra

    I'm reminded of Crazy Ivan in the old "Ancient Art of War" series.

  • Thecommander236

    King Flakka of Trippinballs... my God that got me. This reminded me of "Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff" and the one strip of VG Cats where Ash chews out the Rockets for always chasing Pikachu when he has caught caught so many Pokémon in the meantime that he now has so many poke balls that is "tripping balls".

     

    Regardless, I find this anecdote very amusing. It seems to me that the 100th Royal popped into this Warlord's Library for a reason. As a sort of will of the Titans sort of thing. What ever drug that Flakka was tripping balls on made him unable to remember that non-casters couldn't go through portals. That or he was like Ivan the Terrible who went insane. This makes me wonder, is it possible for Erfworlders to go mad? We have seen Sylvia lose it and countless warlords make amateur mistakes that they really shouldn't have made, but is true madness possible? Or can there be some hidden "inbred" Stat that makes people paranoid or insane?

     

    The other obvious question comes back to Erf itself. Is there really only 99 kings and queens? Erf is probably bigger than anyone knows. I doubt even Charlie has seen it all. Can anyone confirm 99? What is 99 a reference to? If one of the kingdoms falls with no heir, does a new royal pop in the wild to replace them? Must there always be 99 royal families? If royal families can't be replaced, the royalty was always doomed to fall. I consider it possible for a non-royal to steal the crown away from a royal kingdom as long as they defeat them. I mean, why not? Why can't a common warlord be made a duke of a city. We had a system of noble and royal promotions in several of our cultures. Why not Erf? There's still a lot to be explained about Erf mechanics.

  • Guus

    I'm pretty sure that there isn't actually a rule/natural law that ther must be 99 kings or queens. Erfworld was created and then 99 royals were created to rule it. Pretty sure thats where that number stops being significant (in terms of limitations). We already know that sides split up all the time and that if a prince rules a new side he becomes a 'king'. So I believe that at this point there may be way more then 99 royal sides (or less depending on how many have been beaten of course).

  • Thecommander236

    I also wonder what happens if someone conquers enough sides to earn the right to be proclaimed an emperor. It would be very interesting if a non-Royal can pop a Royal in this way or at least a few generations down the line. Some historical emperors were simply declared heir and didn't have to be noble at all, but their children weren't always made heir. However, Napoleon came from a minor noble Italian family. Today, his (indirect through his younger brother) descendents are still called "Prince". I wonder if there is a system in place on Erf where a person can become nominally royal if they are adopted. It just takes a few generations to make the family "royal".

     

    I recently heard about this happening in Egypt a long time ago. When King Tutankhamun died without an heir, his granduncle/grandfather-in-law Ay took over. Ay was only a noble and perhaps a foreigner to boot. When he died, his (possible) son-in-law Horemheb took over. Horemheb was a military commander, but he was only a commoner. The royal family of Egypt basically died out. He made his vizier, Paramesse, his heir. You would know him as Ramesses I (again, his was noble but not royal). He had a son with Sitre (another non-royal) named Seti I and his son was Ramesses II or Ramesses the Great. The word "royal" starts being thrown around when you talk about Seti I, but Ramesses the Great ruled long enough and kicked enough ass to be considered royal despite the fact that none of his descendents were actually royal. Seriously, the queens weren't of royal birth either. None were even some minor royalty from a foreign city state or anything.

     

    It would be interesting if nominally "royal" sides start popping real royals eventually. Maybe the other Royals just aren't patient enough to wait for this to happen.

     

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Christophe,_Prince_Napol%C3%A9on

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ay

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramesses_II