needs more paragraph divisions. Though your story is worth the read, it was something of a strain of my eyes to see such a substantial block of text. Remember, you can divide paragraphs at 'new ideas', conversations and separate points of view. I.e. from the doombat fighting to the commander would be a good division.
Remember, the more you write, the more skill you attain. And reading (professional works, not fan fiction so much) will help you develop your writing style further.
for example, read something like The Road (or No Country for Old Men) then read something by Ted Drekker, then read Redwall by Brian Jacques. You'd be surprised by the sheer differences in writing styles. I learned a great deal about paragraph division and conversation style from reading The Road (before the movie came out)
I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!
Looking for a worthy opponent but the one man who can face me will not fight me anymore.