What can I say? Well, methinks I can say an awful lot, actually. Firstly, here’s a spoiler-free review:
The action was pretty good, but uninspired and presented nothing new. The plot was pretty thin and felt more like an episode of a TV show than that of a feature length film. The dialog was lackluster and poorly spoken. Overall it wasn’t very good. If you have some time to kill, it’s an okay enough movie to go see, but if you’re looking for some hearty entertainment, pick something else.WARNING- The rest of this post may contain spoilers. You have been warned.
Okay, here’s my biggest problem. Marcus is a new kind of terminator, which is great. So far each movie in the series has introduced a new breed of terminator for us to wrap our heads around. The original unstoppable Ah-nold robot from the first film, the groundbreaking CGI T-1000 from T2, and the sexy and somewhat frightening T-X from T3. I wondered myself what kind of new thing they would come up with for this film, and I wasn’t disappointed. The hybrid Terminator-with-organs is an relatively original idea that has a lot of potential. Because he’s a robot, the audience can believe it when he survives falling 300 feet out of a helicopter into two feet of water and survives. But at the same time, because of his human heart, the writers can have him killed by any random guy with a gun or a knife who gets lucky. This thing could potentially be the greatest action hero evar. Yeah, even better than Captain Yippie-Ki-Yay-Motherfucker.
Here’s the problem. Why the FUCK did they tell about him in the trailer? I can’t even begin to comprehend the reasoning behind that. The movie acted like it was a huge and sudden plot twist, which is what it should have been. But imagine if you went into the Empire Strikes Back knowing ahead of time that Vader was Luke’s father. That whole scene would have been pointless. You can’t make a plot twist out of information we already have. I guess that’s what I get for watching trailers on YouTube. Maybe that’s the point they were trying to make? The Internet is evil? Meh. Old news.
Here’s my second problem. What the fuck happened to Nick Stahl? Actually, no, that’s not the real problem. The movie could have survived having John Connor played by somebody different again. That wasn’t the issue. The real issue is… who put Christian Bale in this movie? Nick Stahl actually looked like the son of the guy who played Kyle Reece in The Terminator. Christian Bale looks like… well… Bruce Wayne. Here, look at a Picture of Kyle Reese.
Now tell me which of these guys looks more like his son.
I also don’t remember Bale being such a terrible actor, but in my defense, I’ve only ever seen him in Batman. You might find this hard to believe, but Bale decided to do that “look-at-me-I-have-throat-cancer” Batman voice for THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I shit you not when I say that every single line that comes out of Bale’s mouth is in his “I-smoke-8-packs-a-day” voice. Worse, it seems to be contagious. Most of the lines that Marcus says around Bale also come out in the “I-drink-sandpaper-martinis” voice. It was honestly painful to hear, especially though the loud Theater speakers.
John Connor issupposed to be the oh-so-important leader of the resistance. So why was he getting bossed around by some guys in a submarine? Okay so maybe these are leftover pre-Judgement Day Generals or something who got to be in charge because they supplied the troops or something. But if they’re in charge, what purpose does Connor serve? It looked to me like he was just some random infantry, and not even an especially good soldier. Why not send a Terminator back in time to kill the real leaders of the resistance, instead of John Connor?
I just realized something. The people listened to John because he was prophesized to be the leader of the resistance by means of Terminators being sent back in time to kill him. Because he is destined to be leader, the resistance is immediately ready to listen to him when the actual leaders, the general guys in the submarine, are killed. If Skynet had not tried to kill John Connor in the past, he would not have been in a position to lead the resistance after the death of the Submarine guys, and therefore, when the submarine guys were killed, the resistance would have disintergrated. In other words, Skynet created John Connor! God these paradoxes are annoying.
Here's another problem I spotted. Skynet singled out Kyle Reese as soon as one of its Terminators sees him. This must mean that Skynet knows that Reese is John’s father. (although how it even knows this is beyond me) Skynet then uses Kyle as bait to lure John to its complex so that John can be Terminated. But WHY DIDN’T IT JUST KILL KYLE? By killing Kyle, John would cease to exist. Wouldn’t it be a million times easier to kill John’s dad than spending years of research into time travel to send Ah-nold back in time to kill his mother? This is supposed to be a ruthless, single-minded, super-intelligent machine, and it elects to invite a HIGHLY TRAINED SOLDIER INTO ITS MOST IMPORTANT FACILITY over killing one teenager. Who wrote this tripe? Wait, lemme check IMDB.
John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris. Okay, never heard of them, but they were the writers of Catwoman. Yes, THE Catwoman, a film highly regarded as one of the worst movies ever made, ever. I assumed that whoever had written that crap had been put to death or at least fired, but now that I know that these two idiots were allowed to make more movies, I feel as if the entire movie business has been tainted.
Okay, so, overall, it’s a bad movie, but the action does at least keep your attention for the duration. So, as I stated previously, if you’re just looking for something to kill some time, you may as well see it. Just don’t go out of your way.Movie score:
They called it Terminator Salvation, but what exactly was salvaged? Also, when John got stabbed through the chest, if you didn't instantly see that Marcus would give John his heart, you're probably this movie's target audience.