Parson A. Gotti, (born December 7, 1982 in Indianapolis, Indiana), A.K.A. Lord Hamster, is a human gamer, and author of the webcomic Hamstard. Originally from Earth, he was summoned to Erfworld by Wanda Firebaugh, and appointed Chief Warlord under Stanley the Tool of Gobwin Knob.
When first seen, Parson is going through a normal day.Erf-b1-p014 Later that evening he discusses marshmallow peeps and marbits with Ross.Erf-b1-p015 After the arrival of three other friends -- Ashna, Carl, and Takashi -- Parson introduces them to his latest game.Erf-b1-p016 As he does so, he is transported to Gobwin Knob, which bears a strong resemblance to the game board he had created.Erf-b1-p024
Upon arrival, Parson is greeted by Stanley the Plaid and Wanda, quickly discovering Erfworld's built-in censorship prevents him from cursing. Parson is interviewed by Stanley, who wants to determine his competence. During this conversation, Parson discovers he can lie by telling Stanley that calling someone a Tool is a form of respect, and Staney likes it so much, he orders everyone to use that title. Stanley then shows him around Gobwin Knob, his capital city. Parson is ordered to laugh at Stanley's jokes, and discovers the order cannot be disobeyed, but it can be manipulated by laughing inappropriately, which inspires Stanely to end that order. Parson also learns that Stanley might be able to kill him at whim thanks to the spell that summoned him. During the tour, Parson realizes that he has joined a Side that most would consider evil, and says as much. Stanley's anger is raised, and he demonstrates his power while explaining his destiny. Parson is ordered not to speak until ordered otherwise. He is also given an important piece of equipment, his Eyebook. With this, he merely thinks what he wants to write and it appears on the page, and moments later discovers that it connects to Eyebooks held by other inhabitants of the city. Sizemore comes to Parson's rescue that evening, helping him learn a lot about the "rules" of Erfworld, and ordering him to speak -- Stanley's order had not indicated only he could break the silence. Parson's lackey, Bogroll, provides him with a metal breastplate for armor, and helps him get to bed.
The next morning, Parson appears before Stanley and their rations pop. On the side of the Stupid Meal, Parson learns a rule about the combat mechanics of Erfworld, but it is something that all natives know. This stuns Stanley, and makes him worry that Parson is incompetent. Wanda shows up and is told about this, and a mistake the Tool had just made. Parson defends himself, and Wanda comes to his rescue by presenting new knowledge -- Prince Ansom's entire battle plan for the upcoming invasion. The details of the spell that affects Jillian, Wanda's quasi-unwitting spy, gives Parson the idea for setting a trap for Ansom. Since Jillian can only move on her captor's turn, he suggests placing her a long way from Ansom, expecting him to come to her rescue and having to stay there until the next day, when a large force of dwagons would destroy him. This plan fails when Count Vinny Doombats, Ansom's closest aide, convinces him to send someone else -- Sir Webinar, some other Jetstone forces, and Charlescomm mercenary Archons. Parson becomes frustrated that he was not informed of a potential ally -- Charlie of Charlescomm -- but Wanda indicates that Charlie is hated by Stanley, so it could never have worked. Charlie bears many similarities to Stanley -- Overlord, Arkentool, non-Royal -- which may explain the dislike. Parson is taken to the library to study, intending to pull an all-nighter.
When Parson does have an idea, he proceeds back to the Situation Room where the Eyemancer Table stays, and finds the controller, Misty. He asks her many questions, and though she kills half of his plan, she stays to help Parson. In the morning, Parson is lambasted by Wanda for involving Misty personally, and learns the the Table is a unique artifact that only Stanley possesses. He has had a Thinkamancer (Maggie) link Misty the Lookamancer with their Foolamancer (Jack) to create the Table, Eyebooks, and other powerful magics, but the link is dangerous to the participants because they lose their individuality. Trying to talk to one by name could break the spell, potentially croaking the casters. Parson realizes this assists his plan, since Ansom can't see hidden hexes. Wanda gives Parson time to implement his plan by distracting Stanley sexually, while Parson puts the dwagons and their uncroaked warlords to work. Dwagons invade the Royal Crown Coalition column, destroying only siege engines and withdrawing. He then places the spent dwagons over a nearby lake, and surrounds a forest hex with a circle of fresh dwagons. RCC flying units are all with Jillian, so too far to really help. This is intended to entice Ansom into thinking the wounded dwagons are inside the circle.
At this point, Stanley arrives and asks what they were going to do this turn, and discovers Parson had already moved. Initially, he is happy with the plan and when Ansom begins turn, all goes well. He discovers the dwagon trap and tries to break inside, discovering the hex is empty. He is too short of Move to get back to his lines except by smashing through a heavily defended hex. Ansom decides to send Jillian out to hunt the wounded dwagons, instead of calling her to help him punch out of the trap. She does find the dwagons, and becomes conflicted -- the Suggestion Spell cast by Wanda is trying to stop her from attacking them, while she wants to attack them, both out of loyalty to Ansom and her own violent tendencies. She attacks, and Ansom comes to help the fight, leaving the forest units inside the trap. They annihilate the dwagons and expect to be attacked in the morning. Stanley is enraged by the loss of so many of his beloved dwagons, and orders Parson, Sizemore, and Wanda out of his sight. He orders the Eyemancers to break their link, and takes the Foolamancer with him. Wanda was mentally damaged by the breaking of her spell, becoming almost catatonic, so she is escorted to her room by the other two.
Parson wants to try to convince Stanley not to abandon them in the morning, but he awakens after Stanley, and finds Stanley already choosing three hobgobwin Knights in Stanley's Service to accompany him, and they leave. Stanley has also prevented Parson from doing anything significant this turn by ordering all troops back to Gobwin Knob and taking all the dwagons with him. Parson settles in to lick his wounds and prepare the defense of the city. Parson first discovers Misty is dead from the broken link. He also learns the history of Stanley the Tool, how he rose to power from basic infantry. Stanley was initially promoted to Warlord, found theArkenhammer, used that and the dwagons he could now tame to win battles, becoming Chief Warlord, and finally Heir Designate. Stanley then took a number of casters on a "special mission", while their gobwin allies broke alliance and attacked Gobwin Knob, executing King Saline IV, making Stanley the new Overlord. He then retook the city easily with his dwagons and Arkentool. Parson also finds Maggie, the Thinkamancer, is perfectly fine. He correctly determines that she intentionally caused the breaking of the link to redirect damage intended for her back towards the other two casters, killing Misty and crippling the Foolamancer.
Meanwhile, Jillian has determined that Stanley is headed for her old kingdom of Faq, a place that was nearly inaccessible. Ansom creates a plan that will cut Stanley off and hopefully croak him. He has Vinny and Jillian take all of their air forces to a choke point in the mountains, where they will be met by more forces from Transylvito. Marbits from the RCC reach Gobwin Knob and enter the Tunnels, beginning the invasion of the city.
In the morning, Parson orders Sizemore to crush one of the advance scouting stacks in the Tunnels, in order to suggest that he has placed strong defenses there. Parson next tries to break up the Coalition by convincing Charlie to change Sides. Charlie declines, but his interest in Parson is piqued. From now on, Charlie will try to find ways to get Parson to join his side, willingly or not. Parson then decides to use his Thinkamancer's limited juice to throw Ansom into a tizzy, by poking at the conviction of his superiority. Ansom becomes enraged, ranting, but before Parson can deliver his masterstroke, Stanley interrupts. The insanity of his Foolamancer is making him useless, and Stanley was hoping Maggie knew a way to heal him, but she does not. She does theorize that calling him by his true name will help; however neither she nor Stanley know it. Stanley is expecting trouble getting to Faq, and without the Foolamancer, he suspects he won't make it.
Jillian and Vinny proceed with the plan, but make a stop at Gobwin Knob in order to try to capture Wanda; instead, Jillian learns that Wanda is allied with Stanley by choice, not force, and watches as the air defenses of the city smashes a significant portion of her contingent. Jillian heads towards Faq defeated. Meanwhile Webinar and Dora take Jetstone troops into the Tunnels.
In the evening, Parson realizes that Wanda is intending to abandon the city and rescue Stanley from the trap. He stops her by revealing that he has made a deal with Charlie, where the mercenary will make his price tag to Transylvito too expensive, and remain neutral the next Turn, weakening the trap enough to allow Stanley to survive.
The next morning, Jillian and company hook up with Transylvito's Chief Warlord, eight additional Warlords, and hundreds of doombats. They set the trap for Stanley. Charlie does as advertised, and invades Gobwin Knob's Airspace with thirty or more Archons, theoretically enough to capture the city. Parson convinces him to sit back and wait, by telling him that his chances of holding the city is significant. Charlie, interested in seeing the abilities of someone he wants recruit, holds off to watch the fight.
Stanley slams into the trap, and tries to fight his way through. In the midst of the battle, Jillian calls the Foolamancer by name, Jack, and breaks his madness. Jack, in turn, uses his Foolamancy to save Stanley. With only six dwagons and a single Knight, they retreat back in the direction of Gobwin Knob.
Sizemore engages the RCC forces in the Tunnels, killing their leadership and eventually the entire expedition force. Wanda uncroaks the entire Jetstone compliment, placing them on the Outer Walls to defend against a potential RCC attack. The presence of former friends enrages Ansom, and he orders the RCC to begin the attack immediately. Ansom begins the attack personally, turning former Jetstone troops to dust, but Wanda takes her air forces and crosses Archon held territory to dismount Ansom and separate him from the Arkenpliers. Wanda chased the pliers while she sent her air forces after Ansom, but Ansom allies with Charlescomm. Archons enter the battle, cutting down Wanda and her contingent. Ansom approaches Wanda with intent to destroy, but Wanda appears to want to be touched by the Arkenpliers, so he retreats instead, and Sizemore arrives to take her away. Using scrolls from Wanda's secret stash, she is healed. The Outer Walls are breached, so Parson pull his forces back to the garrison walls. There he sets up Wanda with her uncroaked to form a defensive line with as high a bonus as possible, including his own presence and Dance-Fighting. This does not last long, as he discovers that the Archons above can instruct normal troops in dance-fighting through an effect similar to the game Dance Dance Revolution. Parson falls back into the dungeon, collapsing the garrison on top of the invaders. Unfortunately, not enough were killed. The RCC is swarming the remaining defenders, and Parson pulls back again to the Portal room, so that at least the casters can retreat to the Magic Kingdom and become barbarians instead of being forced to join RCC Sides. When all looks lost, Parson tells the casters they can retreat through the portal, but they do not go, realizing it was not an order. Parson is forced to reveal his final plan -- link the Dirtamancer and Croakamancer and awaken the volcano. This is done, and Parson orders them out of the city. As the city collapses around him, Parson runs into the Portal himself, hoping it would return him to Earth. The RCC is engulfed in a massive volcanic eruption.
Parson finds himself in the Magic Kingdom. He is not accepted, however, and is knocked unconscious while the casters find Thinkamancers to undo the link joining Maggie, Wanda, and Sizemore. Later, he awakens and is taken back through the portal to Gobwin Knob. There he finds that Sizemore has already crossed through, and found that a bit of his handiwork had succeeded. Deep in the mountain were unmined gems, which Sizemore tried to uncover with the volcanic eruption. Wanda begins searching and finds the Arkenpliers, attuning immediately. She discovers Ansom's corpse and uncroaks it, discovering that the pliers have enhanced her Croakamancy. She calls the new Ansom decrypted: he is intelligent, retains much of his former memory, all of his abilities, and appears like a living creature, but his mind is now aligned with the goals of Gobwin Knob. Wanda continues and begins creating an army to replace the one previously lost.
Parson reveals to Maggie that he almost ordered the link broken and for her to take the full backlash of the broken spell. She does not disagree that maybe she deserved it. He has become worried about the effect of Natural Thinkamancy on his decision making, and Maggie informs him that some part of him wanted to cause all the damage that he did. Parson wanders off and finds a lava flow. There he talks to whatever force brought him to Erfworld. He asks whether he did this deed, or if it was Erfworld itself. He gets no answers. He takes out his sword, which confers upon him ruthlessness, and flings it into the lava, where it melts. Parson insists that he is not a game piece, but a player. The Battle for Gobwin Knob is over.
Parson was able to pass through the portal to the Magic Kingdom, something that as a Warlord should have resulted in his immediate disbanding. Once there he is identified as a Hippiemancer by a Grand Abbie. Whether this suggests he has additional abilities he is unaware of, reflects his unique and anomalous properties in Erfworld, was a lie by the Grand Abbie used to defuse a tense situation, or something else entirely remains to be seen.
At the end of Erf-b1-p150, Parson has destroyed his sword and successfully cursed. This could indicate many possibilities including:
- 1. He is no longer subject to the effects of the Summon Spell (or at least the Thinkamantic portions of it).
- 2. He was disbanded, but continues to serve Stanley willingly. (See discussion.)
- 3. Erfworld has rewarded him for services rendered.
- 4. He can use willpower to fight Natural Thinkamancy.
- 5. He can now curse
Having presided over the destruction of the entire alliance army, he's probably leveled since we saw him at 2. Bogroll levelled twice while dying, so it seems likely Parson leveled several times. - Except that his Leadership hasn't improved, and there's no other evidence of improvement.
- Parson is named after his grandfather: whether this is his maternal or paternal grandfather is unknown.
- "Parson Gotti" is an anagram of "protagonist".
Manpower the Temporary
|Chief Warlord of Gobwin Knob||Succeeded by:|