Yet Another Self Insert Fan Fiction
When Stanley the Plaid, Overlord of Gobwin Knob, ordered Wanda Firebaugh to cast the “Summon Perfect Warlord Spell” to, who would have guessed, summon the perfect warlord from “All in Existence”, he already had made a couple of mistakes. He probably should not have opted out from the 150.000 Shmuckers support plan and let a Findamancer cast the spell instead of his Croakamancer. Adding a long list of physical requirements was most likely not helpful either. He was, however, not the only one who neglected a minor detail in the whole summoning affair: The creators of the spell as well as Erfworlds Fate had not taken in consideration that the “Rest of Existence” might also have something to say about the matter….
Yet Another Selfinsert Fanfiction
Disorientation. Pain. My first impressions of Erfworld were not exactly welcoming. I was kneeling on all fours on what I assumed to be the gray floor of the Tower of Efdup, located in the capital city Gobwin Knob of the Side Gobwin Knob. I chose to not move at all, hoping that the headache I felt from my summoning would subdue a bit before Stanley the Plaid would start to give me orders, which could happen at any moment. I had judged it likely that he would complain about my Signamancy not living up towards his expectations first, however, because there were lots of similarities between the original Summon, Parson Gotti, and me, Sebastian Hund. Those similarities included a huge passion for roleplaying, tabletop gaming and strategy games. On the appearance side, I also was Caucasian like Parson with the same brown hair and brown eyes. Unlike Parson, I did not resemble a Twoll, but I was overweight. All in all, I did not look like the living titanic machine of war Stanley had ordered Wanda to summon...
“That’s supposed to be the perfect warlord Wanda?” Stanley asked in an unbelieving tone, “Doesn’t look like much to me. Can he even speak Language? Or move? Hey wait a moment; I can’t even see his stats! Wanda…!
“Lord, please let me handle this.” Wanda, the Master Class Croakamancer responsible for carrying out my summoning replied. “Warlord, you have been summoned to serve Lord Stanley the Plaid and lead his armies to victory.”
Being addressed directly for the first time, I slowly raised my head and said:” I do understand”. Even that minimal effort hurt a lot.
“You do?” Wanda responded with a wondering tone in her voice.
“Phhh!!” Stanley interjected with a sneer, “You can’t tell me you have led armies.”
“Thousands, Overlord” I answered, anticipating Wanda’s canon correction.
I had no intention whatsoever of addressing Stanley as “Tool”. That mocking title which Parson had applied to Stanley had worsened Gobwin Knob’s already terrible public relations and ultimately led to the “Holy War for the Titanic Mandate to Rule”. I already would have to deal with Stanley, Wanda, Stanley’s Ego, Wanda’s blind belief in Fate, the Royal Crown Coalition and flipping Charlescom. Those were enough problems for boob’s sake; I really had no wish to piss off All remaining Royal Sides on Erf on top of that. Six royal sides were already angry enough and had formed the aforementioned Royal Crown Coalition with the explicit goal of croaking Stanley. Other, smarter rulers would probably have taken that as a hint that they might be doing something wrong. Not so “Destined to rule by self-proclaimed Titanic Mandate” Stanley the Plaid.
“And you’re going to tell me you have won all your battles?” Stanley continued with an unbelieving tone of voice.
“I am alive, Overlord Stanley”, I replied, avoiding the question. Of course I had lost battles. Luckily for me, my battles usually involved things like consoles, personal computers or game boards. Unlike most units on Erfworld, I never had been in a fight for my live before. That would most likely change in the near future.
“Then get up” Stanley ordered.
So that was what an order felt like. My body began moving on its own before I knew it. No matter what I tried, I could not keep my legs still, so I opted for standing up as slowly as possible. Stanley had not ordered me to get up fast after all, did he?
Wanda’s facial expression after I stood was priceless as expected. Stanley did his ‘Wow, he’s tall’ routine. I simply did not reply to that, judging that to be the best response to his statement. Stanley was really touchy about his height.
“What is your name Warlord?”
“Sebastian Hund, Overlord.”
“What kind of stupid name is that?
“Sebastian means praiseworthy or sublime one, Hund means dog in a language called German. It is the name of a tamable feral unit type which is commonly viewed as especially loyal and ferocious when defending its tamer.“
“I know what a dog is! Wait, did you say sublime one? You’ve got to be kidding me!” Stanley replied while frowning, “Gahh! Loyalty and ferocity are nice, but I can’t deal with that first name. Don’t you have some kind of title?
“My title is Specialist, Overlord”
I had thought long and hard about what kind of title I should use. Since no other unit could see my stats I could have claimed a noble or even a royal title, something modest like ‘Emperor’ had come to mind. Kidding aside, it might have been useful in dealing with all the royal sides but real Erfworld royals would most likely not have believed me anyway. I did not want to adopt Parson’s make up title and especially not his crest. And while I never had been in the military because of my awful eyesight, I had a legitimate claim to that title. I just omitted the Information Technology before it. Since I would appear as ‘Special’ on the Stupid Meal Unit list, I found Specialist kind of fitting. Speaking of Crests, I quickly glanced down. I was wearing Parson’s starting outfit, complete with two pizza stains. Hopefully no one would question me about that and I could get rid of it on the first opportunity.
“Specialist? Never heard that one before. What’s that supposed to mean? ”
“Apparently Erfworld considers me to be special, Overlord.”
“I paid 350.000 Schmuckers for your summoning spell; you’d better be more than special!” Stanley exclaimed. He sighed and then carried on, "Okay, just tell me this. Suppose you had to defend a single city on a mountain against an army that outnumbers you ten to one."
"Or twenty-five to one." Wanda interjected.
"Shut up Wanda. What would you do?"
“To answer that question properly, I would require much more context.”
“Oh come on, quit hedging”
“I cannot give you a proper answer while no specifications are made. For starters I would need to know the available unit composition, city properties, available resources like money and spells among others, the number of turns until the enemy is expected to attack, as much as possible about the opposing forces, surrounding terrain types and perhaps most important of all, third parties which could influence the battle. Useful strategies against enemies with superior numbers include tactics like ambushes, local superiority, diversions and delaying tactics to buy time. Elimination of enemy assets like leadership and specialized units is almost always of primary concern.”
Wanda showed her usual neutral expression though I believed I could detect a hint of a satisfied smile. Stanley’s jaw had dropped a bit during my monologue; apparently I had managed to impress him somewhat. This was good, because it was crucial that Stanley would let me alter events.
“Okay, you’re now our Chief Warlord. Chiefly because we don’t have anyone else.” Stanley said after regaining his composure.
“Haha, an excellent joke, Overlord”, I lied to his face. He seemed satisfied by my response. Thankfully that spared me being ordered to laugh at all his so called jokes.
“Come on, let’s review the troops”. Stanley went ahead outside. I followed in his footsteps while Wanda walked beside me, busy studying me from head to toe. I took the opportunity to study her right back. Even if had not known anything about her, I would have been wary in her presence. Women wearing skulls as part of their daily outfit usually meant business, but Wanda took it to a whole new level. She would literally do anything if she thought it would be necessary to fulfill her personal fate of attuning to an Arkentool, including lying, croaking, uncroaking, mass croaking, committing treason, causing the fall of a side (multiple times already) and seducing Stanley, nookie(s) included. Urrghh.
I had to dispose that disturbing mental image and get back on track. Gobwin Knob’s tunnel section would already be under attack in four turns if I did nothing to prevent it. How had Parson put it? ‘There is critical and there is urgent’. Right now it was both critical and urgent to avoid having to waste almost all of Gobwin Knob’s current turn getting shown around the city by Stanley. I already knew everything he would show me. Also, unless I changed events, Stanley would fail to retrieve the magic items which Jillian had dropped, or would be dropping shortly or was dropping right now (I already knew that the way time worked in Erfworld would be causing me lots of headaches. Luckily the one I had gotten from the summoning spell was slowly going away). Not retrieving the magic items would mean that Prince Ansom would learn of Princess Jillian’s capture during the next turn of the Royal Crown Coalition, which would cause him to hire CharlesComm. And that would be the start of a chain of very suboptimal events. And by suboptimal I meant one boobup after the other, concluding in an erupting volcano, a destroyed city and lots of croaked units, Gobwin Knob’s explicitly included.
I had reacted appropriately impressed when Stanley showed me the view from the Tower of Efdup. Gobwin Knob was truly impressive. Also, butt ugly. That train of thought was helped along by the prevalence of the color brown. Almost everything was brown. I kept that part of my thoughts to myself however and interjected before even more time was wasted.
“Excuse me Overlord Stanley; do you have other casters available besides Lady Wanda?”
“I hav’ got a Thinkamancer, Lookamancer and a Foolamancer, but they’re in a, whatchacall it, a Link- Up. Oh, and the Turd Guy, Dirtamancer. Why do ya ask? ”
“You have all Eyemancy-Disciplines together in a Link-Up? That is a very powerful combination. And also absolutely perfect for what I have in mind. It is only a suggestion of course, but those casters could provide me with a lot of the basic information I need in a very fast and efficient way using a shared mindspace. That way, I would not need to take up your valuable time with a huge amount of questions your subordinates could answer as well, Overlord. I might then also be able to answer your earlier question about what I would do to defend this city against a seemingly overwhelming opposing force. ”
“Huh”, Stanley said while rubbing his chin, ”Yeah that’ll work. I hate having to explain basic stuff anyway. But first, a surprise treat for my favorite caster…
Boop it. Apparently, even five minutes were too much to ask before something important happened. I had to think on my feet. My plans for Jillian and Wanda’s ideas for her were flipping mutually exclusive. It was absolutely crucial that she would not be tortured by Wanda. The Intel gained by that action would be useless anyway, mostly because I knew it already of course. Leaving that minor point aside, even Parson had complained about it in his Klog(Blog), because Ansom’s plan was so straightforward (Move column to GK, siege GK, victory.)
I decided to not interject at this point. If I would overrule Wanda's permission to leave, Stanley would most likely react negatively. So far, I had only talked and Stanley had little hard evidence that I was indeed a competent Chief Warlord. It would take lots of convincing arguments for him to allow anyone to contradict him. Especially when the contradiction happened in the presence of other units.
As soon as Wanda had gone I made a beeline for the linked casters. Unfortunately, Stanley decided to tag along. Not fully trusting his new Chief Warlord who was freshly summoned was a smart move from Stanley's side. Unfortunately, it was also very inconvenient for me. Thankfully, he did not object to my pace, he was hard pressed to keep up with my huge strides. Time was of the essence.
I barely looked at the linked casters as I ordered them to put me into one shared mindspace. It felt totally strange and totally awesome at the same time. It was like being put into a virtual reality with a computer which could react to your thoughts.
First, I ordered an overview of all of Gobwin Knob’s forces and their deployment. I got the hang of giving orders and getting what I wanted just in time to save the group of five spidews from charging right into Prince Ansom's excursion group. After that, I ordered all troops to stop their movement for now. I wanted to retain as many movement points as possible for later movement under my direction. Then, I started to pepper the linked casters with orders, "Show me what we know about the Royal Crown Coalition", "Show me what we know about the enemy's column", "Show me what we know about Prince Ansom" and so on and so forth. I explicitly asked about other sides and spent some time sucking up anything Gobwin Knob knew about Charlscom and its Archons. I also had Wanda monitored through the Link, as soon as she was about to enter the dungeon I ordered her up to the Situation Room. She was apparently annoyed because the Linked Casters informed me that Stanley wanted to know why I disrupted Wanda's interrogation session before it even started. Apparently she had used her Eyebook(of which I had to pretend that I did not know anything of, because nobody had told me about it, grumble) to contact Stanley in the hopes of having my order overridden. A quick question to the Linked Casters confirmed my suspicions, she was not moving towards the Situation Room. The headache I had felt from the summoning spell made a sudden reappearance. The very first order I gave to Wanda and already she was disobeying me.... Pure Joy.
I could not allow her to get away with that, no arking matter what. Unfortunately, the only thing running out faster than my patience with Wanda was probably Stanley's patience with me. So I ordered Wanda up to the Situation Room again, complete with a promise of explaining everything once she got here and another one that I would have her dragged up by a twoll if that became necessary. Then I disconnected from the shared mindspace.
I also had ordered some food brought up to the Situation Room. That would hopefully keep Stanley from making too many interruptions as I presented my multiple plans. First I would present the plan I made for wiping out the Royal Crown Coalition’s column in three turns, meaning Gobwin Knob’s turn just before the Marbits entered the tunnel section on RCC’s turn four in the Parson Timeline.
Then I would show Stanley why implementing that plan while Charlie could get involved would be a recipe for an absolute disaster.
After that I would explain where I intended to get the Shmuckers to actually pay for all the expenses my plans would cause.
I foresaw absolutely no problems with explaining all of this, with the possible exception of Stanley's short attention span. And that problem could be overcome by simply showing him what I had thought of using a 3D Foolamancy video sponsored by the Linked Casters. That juice would be juice well spent.
After I had finished presenting my plans and everyone had time to recover, the preparations for Operations: "Total Wipe Out", "No Shmuckers for Charley" and "Project Deep Mining" were fully approved by Overlord Stanley.
There were only a few major problems remaining and by that I meant a hellabad of a lot :
1. Everything I wrote about explaining something, or anything for that matter, to Stanley and that being no problem at all? That had been pure sarcasm.
2. When I wrote 'after everyone had time to recover' I meant everyone except me of course. I was nearing total mental exhaustion.
3. I was still in an horrible time crunch.
4. It was still a long time before I could allow myself a break. It was still Gobwin Knob's turn after all.
5. I would not only have to keep supplying Stanley with good ideas, no, I would have to keep Stanley from doing anything He thought would be a good idea.
6. There was still no "Cure Headache" spell in sight.
After reading your chapter two, which is posted in the forum. I can see that this story is very much an "I know what I am doing" type thing. You might want to put a bit of an explanation in on how you had thought about how you would deal with this sort of situation before you were summoned, cause you seem to be going in directions that hasn't been explored before and it's a bit odd with how you just march from one thing to the next without pause.
I had no intention whatsoever of addressing Stanley as “Tool”.
“My title is Specialist, Overlord”
Lord Specialist, you mean. No one is going to call you just Specialist.
I did not want to adopt Parson’s make up title and especially not his crest.
I actually think you are stuck with the crest. Seems that whenever the capital pops you a new outfit, it copies whatever you popped with. Also, you are quite large, although there are twolls so they can make you something new in fairly short order.
“Haha, an excellent joke, Overlord”, I lied to his face.
If Stanley had kept up joking in canon, I would have said your attempts to know when he was joking would be doomed to failure. It was such a terrible joke.
Not retrieving the magic items would mean that Prince Ansom would learn of Princess Jillian’s capture during the next turn of the Royal Crown Coalition, which would cause him to hire CharlesComm.
That is entirely correct. I didn't even THINK about this when I was writing my own SI story. I kinda feel like I dropped the ball on that one. Not sure I would have gone down that route but I should have explored the option. This one move could potentially change EVERYTHING. Nicely done.
You know, the magic items thing is interesting. The hat is one, but the other is Jillian's sword, the same sword, apparently, that she had back in book 0. That was a sword that she lost when she got captured but got repopped when she was repatriated by her side.
Seems to me that you can't just repop magical items. My headcanon is that her actual magical weapon was the dagger she kept with her, and used against Manpower.
Loved it so far. Now that I'm reading it again I can comment on some details.
You (in the story) here, right at the start act as if you not only wished to be transported to Erfworld, but planned for it to happen, andexpected it to happen. There is no surprise described from your part. This doesn't sound right (or something that we readers don't know is left unsaid).